Try to give your screen direction “white space” (where the camera would naturally cut) wherever possible…
I/E. SUV – AFTERNOON
A blue SUV speeds down a road surrounded by trees.
In the back seat, WILLIAM, 12, doodles in his note book, squashed between his brother J.J., 16, and sister COURTNEY, 14, with headphones, texting on her yellow Jonas Brothers cell phone.
Mother MARY (50) drives in a J Crew pea coat, all attention on the road.
The back of the van jammed to the brim with Thanksgiving food, including a grocery store guacamole mix. As J.J. eyes the guacamole....
William watches JJ in disbelief.
J.J. dips into the guacamole with one finger, scoops and slurps it up.
This reads well, the eye moves vertically down the page. Natural cutaways from character to character make good points to put in white space.
While you’re at it, dump the passive voice. No “are running,” “is playing,” “are laughing.” Runs, plays, laughs. Active verbs. Sounds simple, but if you practice it, your writing will improve dramatically.
Also, try not to repeat yourself:
INT. DUKE’S HOUSE- NIGHT
Duke enters the house.
You told me we’re in the house in the scene heading. Don’t give the reader a reason to dial out. While you’re at it, maybe you can explain why I need to see Duke enter the house at all?
Object Lesson 6: Get in late, get out early.
That one isn’t mine, but you can use it all day long. Know the purpose of the scene, get into the scene as late as possible, execute the purpose, and get out. Think about the speed of shows like LA LAW, or CSI WHATEVER…
INT. PRECINCT HALLWAY- DAY
Ice-T stalks the corridor...
ICE T
Just got off the phone with Holloway. Dead guys are Frick and Frack. Frack’s got a tattoo of Colonel Sanders on his ass.
Hanging up the phone...
MUNCH
Dead guy ain’t Frack. Cleo at the 51st just ran a check. Says Frack died three years ago. Got beaned with an A-Rod foul ball at Yankee Stadium.
Already out the door, joined by Benson...
BENSON
We’re on it.
EXT. CRIME SCENE- LATER
Stabler and Benson, bent over a body.
STABLER
There’s the tattoo.
BENSON
Looks more like...Liberace.
No niceties, no intros, “Officer Blah?” “Yes.” “I’m Officer BlahBlah, this is Officer Blahblahblah.” “Very nice to meet you, heard a lot about you…” None of that. Get right to the action. Know the purpose of the scene, execute the purpose, and get out.
An excellent article on this topic can be found at the terrific www.wordplayer.com. This is the website of Terry Rossio & Ted Elliot (yep, T & T of Pirates of the Caribbean). Here’s the article:
http://www.wordplayer.com/columns/wp40.Off-Screen.Movie.html
The part that resonates most with me is just common sense:
“…you want to get to the heart of a scene quickly; you simply can’t afford to draw filler. Go ahead and cut driving, parking, opening and closing doors, walking up and ringing the doorbell, shaking hands, saying hello, getting invited inside, sitting down… you get the idea.”
Dump the lead-ins and outs, endless introductions, the waiter-speak…all the non-essential stuff that happens in the scene. Sounds like small stuff, but if you do it, it will put you apart far from the maddening spec screenplay crowd. It will make your script a better reading experience and thus, increase your chances of it getting read or made.
